Shameless Self Insert
by Addiccus Phinch
Summary: People sometimes compliment "Soul of a Hero" as a great self insert. It is not a self insert. This is a self insert. Read along as Addiccus Phinch dick punches, pimp slaps, and bangs his way through Lordran! You'll Laugh! You'll Cry! You'll crap yourself and sue me for the dry cleaning bill! Seriously folks, that is what to expect. Poop jokes and Scathing wit. ENJOY!


The first thing he did was punch Nito in the dick.

That alone, was a hell of a feat considering that Nito had no dick of which to speak, and the dick-puncher had only just arrived in this world.

Once Nito had been sufficiently dick punched, this strange dick-puncher from another world punched him again in the dick. This time though, he added several words to go along with the phallus boxing.  
"You are now my bitch."

Nito couldnt verbally respond, but answered in the form of all of his skulls nodding at once from his kneeling position. The Dick-Puncher found this acceptable, and then climbed upon Nito's back. The fluffy cloak of humanity served quite well as a ladder, and soon Nito found the stranger sitting atop his head like the Gravelord was a flying carpet. With a tap to the topmost skull, the stranger from another world made his intentions clear. Nito was to serve as his loyal steed, or else be dickpunched again.

Nito didnt want to be dickpuched again.

So Nito took it like a bitch.

"Now now my trusty steed, Onward to Firelink Shrine. I have business to attend to."

Nito listened, and then obeyed. With a long suffering sigh, Nito began to climb out of the one hole that led to his resting place. The Gravelord had been around since the beginning, and never had shit like this ever happened before. And Nito had literally seen some crazy shit. Ever seen dragons? Four wings, two mouths, and some hot ass breath. Plus they literally shat fire.

Still, he wasnt going to argue with this stranger. He was obviously some deity level being from another dimension, and Nito did not want to get on his bad side. Nothing good would come of it, for certain.

That said, Nito wondered in each of his skulls what kind of business the stranger had in Firelink. The ancient skeletal amalgamation also felt quite bad for whoever this business would entail, as there was no way in Izalith this was going to be good.  
As Nito climbed, the stranger on his back chuckled darkly, confirming his suspicions.

* * *

The Crestfallen warrior had been around for quite a while. No where near as long as a certain multi skulled demigod, but quite a while indeed. During that period of time, he had witnessed events of all kinds, perpetrated by individuals of similar variety.

He had seen Black Iron Tarkus get into a fist fight with the Knight King Rendal.

He had seen Witch Beatrice blow Solaire of Astora, and choke on his sunny D.

And now he could add seeing a fat fucking cleric slam face first into a bonfire to his list of oddities.

The crestfallen warrior couldn't help but to blink as Petrus smashed the estus spewing monument to pieces with his massive girth. The obstacle didnt hinder the clerics momentum by much, and he then continued to tumble over the edge, landing on the platform below. Turning his head, the Crestfallen warrior looked over his shoulder in order to see what exactly had sent the cleric on this course.

Amidst the rubble from the smashed ruins walked a figure obscured by the dust and debris. Before the Crestfallen Warrior could get a good look however, the figure dashed past him and jumped over the same ledge Petrus had fallen over. This caused a dust trail to follow, which stung the warriors eyes. The crestfallen god his name is taking too fucking long to write so im just gonna call him 'Cresty' rubbed his eyes to rid them of the stinging dust.

Considering the fact Cresty was wearing heavy leather gloves, his rubbing was generally ineffective. It somehow managed serve the purpose well enough though, and Cresty found his vision restored. Restored just in time to see a fifteen foot tall skeletal abomination draped in a cloak of humanity pass him by.  
While many people complained that Cresty acted constipated, his trousers could now attest that their claims were without basis.

Nito simply sighed and dragged his feet as he followed his new master, and his masters new target. At the very least, the stranger seemed to make things interesting. And to be honest, nothing ever seemed interesting when you were dead. It was pretty fucking boring. So maybe being the strangers bitch wouldn't be so bad after all. Nito would wait and see.

Petrus felt the worst about the entire situation, although his feelings on the matter could be attributed to the metal shorn boot pressing against his face in a way that was very uncomfortable. Also, he had just been smashed through several walls by the owner of the boot so Petrus was mildly biased. With his positioning the cleric couldn't see much of the boot owner, only a few strands of dirty blonde hair and a single grey eye which was glowing in a fashion Petrus was quite sure eyes shouldn't do.

The eye narrowed, and Petrus winced so completely, that even his organs quivered in anticipation of the pain. Not that it helped the large groupings of tissues to prepare for the newly introduced second boot. Especially not his pancreas, which made the cutest squelching noise as it was brutally crushed.

By this point Petrus was ready to pass out, now that the stranger was fully standing on top of him with a surprisingly high bodyweight. But the stranger decided to grind the heel that was placed upon Petrus' cheek, keeping him well and wide awake. Even if every organ in his body was begging for the contrary.

Anastacia of Astora wasn't sure how to feel about this development. She decided not to feel anything at all, and busied herself with looking at her hands. This stranger seemed violent, dangerous, and mildly attractive. Wait, why had she just added that last bit? It didn't matter, it wasn't her place to think of such things...but he had such a nice ass WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN.

No one took any note of Anastacia placing her head in her hands and shaking it wildly, trying to rid herself of the odd and sinful thoughts. Of course that was because everyone was currently occupied with more important things. Petrus was underfoot, wondering why this was happening to him. Nito was observing his new master, curious as to where he was going to go from there. Cresty was trying desperately to get the brick shaped turd out of his trousers. THe Stranger was laughing like a madman, which he probably was.

"Oh my god it feels SO DAMN GOOD to finally let loose like this. Sheeeeet man."

Said the Stranger, after he finished with his laughing fit. Underfoot, Petrus mumbled something indistinguishable, and the Stranger spared him a glance.

"Yeeeeees?"

The Stranger asked, drawing out the word. Petrus mumbled it again, this time a bit louder than before. Still, no one could make out what he was saying. The Stranger decided to hop off of Petrus, if only to hear what the fuck had to say. After all, the Stranger did think everyone was entitled to some last words. And Petrus would need to make them snappy, the Stranger had business to attend to elsewhere.

Petrus, now boot and semi-pain free rolled over and coughed up a few globules of blood before shakily getting to his feet. He couldnt stand up all the way, because the injuries to his mid section were somewhat severe so he remained hunched over. The whole while he was torn between glaring daggers at the Stranger, or crying outright. He settled for the dagger glaring, but that was alright. The Stranger wasnt finished yet, after all.

Now that he didn't have a boot obscuring his sight, Petrus was also finally able to see the features of the man who assaulted him. initially he wasnt impressed, almost disappointed, but the longer he stared Petrus began to notice things that were most definitely not normal. A cold dread began to take root in Petrus stomach, the part that wasnt ruptured that is, as he realized this person wasn't human.

The Stranger was not very tall, but he wasnt short either. Standing at a respectable five foot nine. He was broad shouldered, and quite thick with muscle. The stranger wore a simple outfit of a black sweater and trousers, with a teardrop necklace and armored boots and gauntlets. His hair was a strange version of dirty blonde, that seemed to shift colors as you looked at it from brown, to golden, to strawberry blonde. His eyes were the most striking feature, looking intense and angry underneath sloped brows. Their color was truly indeterminable between blue, green, and grey.

If Petrus bowels hadn't been wounded earlier he might have joined Cresty in the pants-shitters club. As it was, his voice box was fine so he spewed shit from it instead.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

His voice was shrill, and hurt the ears of everyone listening. Even Nito. His word choice wasnt very eloquent, but could he be blamed all things considered? The stranger heard the words of Petrus, and tilted his head to the side. A curious gesture, that indicated the stranger was considering the words intently.

"...Who am I?"

The strangers head snapped back to its normal position, and his eyes began to take an ethereal glow. The grey in them began to swirl away, leaving the shining blue-green that glared right into Petrus soul.

"I AM MOTHERFUCKING ADDICCUS PHINCH, YOU READY TO SEE THE MOON BITCH!?"

Shouted the now named Addiccus, which only served to confuse Petrus further. Addiccus had stated his name like Petrus should have known it, and then he had asked that strange question about the moon-

Petrus didn't have any time to compleat that thought as Addiccus ran up on his bitch ass and punted him right in the dick. The force of this punt was so great that Petrus literally found his ass between his ears as his soared up through the clouds and broke free of the planets gravitational field. Quickly the now space fairing Cleric approached the moon with frightening velocity, and he only had enough time for one thought before impact.

Of course, that thought was mostly gibberish but from the mound of nonsense a single coherent sentence formed.

'I think I just sneezed my dick.'

And then Petrus of Thorolund was no more.

Addiccus, using his in universe binoculars, observed this event with tremendous glee. He also managed to confirm that Petrus had indeed sneezed his dick and it was now currently in orbit around the moon. Feeling giddy, Addiccus stowed his binoculars and turned to face his crowd.

Cresty had stopped fumbling with his pants, now shell shocked, and he simply stood there with his mouth wide open and his eyes bugging out of his skull. A quiet goey noise alerted everyone present that Cresty had also just shit himself for a second time. The growing stain bleeding through his chain mail confirmed that this defecation was not as rectangular as his last.

Nito stood there nodding his skeletal heads in a manner to show Addiccus he found his actions to be acceptable. From beneath his mantle, he withdrew a large piece of poster board and a magic marker. Some squibbling noises followed, before Nito held the paper high. It read in boldface "7/10" and Addiccus was a bit disappointed.

"Really? Only a seven?"

Asked Addiccus and Nito responded by shrugging. Since Nito was a master at non verbal communication, Addiccus was easily able to translate this shrug to,

"Your one liner was shit."

Addiccus wasn't nearly as good at non verbal communication, but it would have been hard to misinterpret the hand signal he gave the Gravelord.

Anastacia realized what was going on now. She was dreaming, had to be. There was no way she had just witnessed a man get kicked into the stratosphere. This good looking Addiccus whatever his last name had to be some sort of figment of her imagination. A fantasy created from her repressed desires. Thats why he beat up the Cleric, it was a conceptual revenge against the church goers who had cut out her tongue when she was young.

That also must have been why he was now walking to her, boring into her soul with those eyes of his. Eliminating her psychologically based crippling shyness by oozing pure confidence. That also is why he was tearing open the bars to her cage, her secret desire to be set free. That why he was raising his hand looking like he was about to slap her, because she had some hidden desire to be pimp slapped...Wait a second, no she didnt.

Addiccus hand came down like an almighty force of heaven, pimp slapping her so hard that every pimp on earth wept a tear in pure appreciation. She went sprawling onto the ground, confused and upset. Upset because it wasnt a dream and he just pimp slapped her. Confused because for some odd reason, the slap caused absolutely no pain whatsoever.

"W-what? Why d-did you do t-that?"

Asked Anastacia, but then she immediately covered her mouth with her hands after realizing she had spoken. She shouldnt be able to speak, thats why they cut out her tongue in the first place. No tongue, no words. Simple cause and effect process.

But now it appeared that Addiccus Phinch had just pimp slapped her tongue back into her head. Confusion couldnt begin to describe her state of mine. Not even flabbergasted could describe her thoughts. She was at the point of a Flabbergasm, to which her brain was so full of fuck that she fainted on the spot.

Addiccus looked down and nudged her prone form with his foot, confirming that she was indeed out cold. This brought a spike of irritation to him, but he quickly brushed it off. It was no big deal, he would just have to wait for her to wake up. But since there were other things he could be doing, he decided to leave and come back to Firelink later.

It was possible for him to immediately wake her up, but it would take much more energy than it was worth. While he could bend the rules to quite an insane margin, actually breaking the laws of narrative causality was just too much trouble. So that was that.

Addiccus stepped out of Anastacia's cave, and stretched. His whole body shaked and shuddered as molecules realigned and tightened to his will. All in all, he was quite happy with how everything had started off. He had gained his steed, killed Petrus, and healed Anastacia. All in the span of two thousand two hundred and eighty six words. Not bad for a first chapter, not to bad at all.

After his stretching was done, Addiccus whistled in the manner the old cowboys would do to summon their horses. No way in hell he could have done that back in Earth Prime, but that was the fun of taking a vacation. Nito, who was only standing ten feet away, gave Addiccus a look. Or tried to, as expressionless skulls kind of have a hard time expressing them selves. Still, Addiccus understood the look and shot Nito a big shit eating grin before jumping straight up in the air, and Landing upon the Gravelords back.

"Giddyup Bonerfart! We got shit to do!"

Nito just stood there, even as Addiccus dug his heels into his ribs. Addiccus slowly removed his heels, and then leaned over the edge to stare into Nito's skulls. Nito raised a single skelletal arm, and then flourished it. The gesture conveyed the point of "Where the fuck to, Asshat?"

Addiccus sat back, and thought for a moment trying to determine where he should go from there. There were a great number of things in Lodran Addiccus wished to do. A great number of people for him to 'interact' with in various ways. Time wasnt really an issue, but his excitement was.

With that thought, Addiccus figured out his next location. It was simple really. When In doubt, go to where the hotties are. And the hottest bitches in Lordran, were in Blighttown. It was time for him to literally 'dick around'. Chuckling at his own genius, Addiccus spoke aloud his desired location and Nito began to trudge along to the edge of the cliff face.

Addiccus was not expecting this, but before he could question Nito's intentions Nito hopped off of the cliff. Since he was completely unprepared Addiccus screamed like a little girl, which cause Nito to crack several grins. After falling for a solid minute during which Addiccus kept screaming, the Gravelord spun around and dug his greatsword into the wall. Slowing down so quickly was jarring, and Addiccus slammed face first into Nito's bony head.

After they had come to complete stop, Addiccus didn't move from his face down position. He only groaned in pain, and mumbled something into Nito's humanity cloak. Nito let out a horrendous sounding chuckle, and then began to descend down the cliff face. Taking his own version of the shortcut to Blighttown.

* * *

Sup yall, how you been hanging? So this is my side project from SoaH, and SIDE PROJECT means it is NOT REPLACING SoaH. Its just a bit of a 'break' if you will. Something I could write to indulge in my deepest goofiest desires and fantasies. Dont take this shizzle seriously yo, its going to be a strange mix of weird, creepy, and kinky. Read at your own peril!

So this is my self-insert. Just to be clear. This is a self insert, Soah is not. While Rufio does have my comedic genius, we are very different people. Just making that clear. You got it? Good.

Also, since this is a power fantasy for all intents and purposes I am offering you, the readers a chance to interact. If you want to see somthing happen, good or bad, to a certain charecter let me know in the reviews. The crazier the better in my opinion, but I reserve the right to tell you to fuck off if I so chose.

Next time in the Shameless Self Insert, Blighttown! Bow Chicka Wow Wow time! Lets hope Addiccus doesent get AIDS!


End file.
